Peek Behind the Wall
In a bit of a philosophical mood today. So let’s talk about something cheerful and light — like the meaning of life.
I know, old topic. But not many discuss why we even search for meaning — do we need it after all? What is it in our existence that keeps us awake at night, asking “why all of this”?
There are several philosophies thriving on the lack of the grand meaning: existentialism, nihilism, absurdism. But they do not care about proving this fact, simply accepting it as given. And I personally agree with them. But then I think: what’s all this fuss about, and why do we even care?
I think (from my thinking and some background research) that the main component to that is evolutionary. In order to increase your survival chances, you should learn the environment, make predictions. It starts with the immediate facts: this bendy stick has distinct stripes and scales, so it will probably try to bite me. But as a creature gets more intelligent, it is able to comprehend more and more layers of complexity. And the main way of dealing with complexity — abstractions.
Instead of thinking about every case in isolation, you try to split the world in classes, groups, and then assign properties to them. When you face completely unexplainable events, like the sudden loss of a friend (due to a disease for example, but you know nothing about them yet), or violent natural disaster or even simple lightning — that doesn’t fit into your model of the world. You keep thinking about it. Because it’s important, understanding the nature of these events is likely to hold the key to controlling them, or at least finding a way around. It worked with the bendy stick with the eyes, right? But you are so far from comprehending the real complexity of it, that you hardly even try to go this way, and instead invent… a divine entity, God.
At this point, anything can be attributed to it. Your dog died? Now it’s with God. Stepped into shit on the street — okay, God, what did I do wrong?
Other people try to avoid going to religion, and invent half-way alternatives, and that’s how numerous life philosophies are born. They explain how you should live life, which is impossible without telling you why you even exist and what for. More comforting lies.
But let’s not dive into religion and philosophy. Let’s look at a simple example: an average child grown in a non-religious family. When you are small and just grasping on the simple ideas of the world, your parents expose you to the complexity a step at a time. They will not tell you about complexities of human relationships at 5, will not talk about the meaning of life at 8 —all makes sense, you are still trying to figure out why you should brush your teeth daily, and trying to stop wetting the bed at night.
You grow a bit, teens know a lot of superficial facts about everything, but hardly lived through any of them, but it’s work in progress. They are still guarded from the majority of life by their parents. Your goal as a child can be as simple as that: get good marks at school, get to a good university, build a career, and everything will be great in your life. The last part is actually never said aloud, parents understand it’s not that simple, but for the lack of any other justification — that’s what you hear.
You grow up more, separate from parents, get a job, live your life, maybe build your own family… and you start noticing weird things. Some parts of this picture you had drawn about life just don’t seem right. This world view was built for you by others, carefully selected, painted with all the right colours. But now it fades, and you start seeing through some bits of it.
Suddenly you realise money doesn’t make you happy. Yeah, kind of a known fact, but hard to believe until you go through it yourself.
Or look — friends change a course of their life, forget you. Something has changed in them — or in you?
You try to ignore the fact the walls of this cardboard house built around you started to crack. If I just keep doing my job, keep doing what people expect from me: everything will be great. Right? Right?!
That’s the first time in your life you face the reality — and there’s nobody to build more cardboard walls around you. Parents and other adults are in fact as lost as you are. They either indulge in comforting fairy tales, or are miserable. There should be a better way, you think, there should be a way out.
You start looking for the meaning of life. Read a bunch of books, talk to “knowledgeable people”. They give you a simple explanation, tell you what to do. Luckily (for them), it always involves you doing something for them, paying them money etc. If they are convincing enough — you join their group (religion, political party, or any other cult). And after that, you never come back, because you have nowhere to come back to — the crumbling cardboard house of your reality will crash, exposing you to the existential dread. So you are bound for life by the lies you accepted. And you will tell others how happy you are to have found this new way of life, how it has saved you.
But did it?
To me it looks like replacing one illusion with another. You might say: “if there is no meaning — what to live for?”. But why is it even relevant?! A bird lives happily just being a bird — doing its daily birdy tasks, not pondering its purpose.
Maybe it’s time to let go of your crumbling cardboard walls, and look behind it? It feels scary, doesn’t it? So was learning to walk or riding a bike. That’s what absurdists do, and seem to enjoy it.
Letting go of fake meaning makes you free to (and responsible for!) find your own goals in life, and define who you are. It lets you see how society puts its norms on you, which do not fit who you want to be. If you were to build yourself from ground up — maybe you’d just hop on a motorcycle and go around the world, huh?
Peeking behind the comforting walls is scary. But if you do — who knows what else you might discover about the world and yourself? Which other lies have you lived?
If you ever feel like reaching out — whether you have something to share, or just want to talk — I’d be happy to hear from you, stranger. This isn’t about followers. It’s about finding kindness and similar minded people in a loud world.