Singing anyway
A story from a few months ago. Everything happened so fast. Thirty seconds, maybe less. But I can’t stop thinking about it.
I was walking in a city. Was it Tirana? Or maybe Skopje, or Belgrade. Doesn’t matter. About to cross a busy street, waiting at the traffic lights. And then I see a man walking on the road along the traffic, who drew my attention immediately.
The man looked strange. Fairly old, grey hair, quite thin. He was wearing an old costume, too big for him, but well looked after. It didn’t exactly go along with the slippers he was wearing. Medium length hair, a bit messy but seems clean. He was walking with a hand stretched forward with a hat. Not really pointing it towards anyone, kind of ignoring the passing by cars. More like begging the universe I suppose.
What was most striking in this man — he was singing. To be honest, it is quite a stretch to call it singing, it was honestly bad. Not that I can judge, my singing makes crows ashamed. But this man didn’t really care. He was just walking forward with determination on his face, kind of detachment, and singing something sounding like a folk song in his language. That is how I would imagine people sing when walking to execution — as a rebellion against the world they know will not listen, but sing anyway.
What struck me most is the reaction of the people around. There was none. As if this man doesn’t exist at all. Cars passing by, people waiting at the traffic lights. I looked at a few folks around — staring in their phones, or just looking away, pretending they are not here.
I felt really sad for this guy. It looked like he stepped over his own dignity to go beg for money – and it was a big leap, not a small step.
The man is thirty meters away from the crossing. The green light shows, people start walking. And what do I do? I wish I could tell you a story of how I did something right, like talking to the person, offering help, or at least giving money. I was thinking about it of course, but then noticed I was just crossing the road with the crowd, walking away from this guy. I just went with the flow. I felt dirty. I was complicit. Ashamed of myself, I didn’t even look back.
What the hell happened to us? What happened to me?! Where was all my courage and rebel spirit I pride myself on?
When I was 6, I went to school. I was quite social and made lots of friends fast. But there was a guy with some clear developmental issues. He was talking in a weird way, stretching words. He really struggled with learning school material. Naturally, he became an outcast. Others were lightly bullying him, laughing at him. It made me feel sad for him, and at some point I declared him my friend. Damn, it was so simple back then, you just said “now you are my friend”. I was spending most of my free time at school playing with him, protecting him from others, and getting into minor fights with boys trying to mess with him. After the first year, my family moved and I changed schools, never to hear from him again.
So... what the fuck happened to me?! How did I get from a little boy, instinctively knowing I must protect the weak and fighting for him – into walking past this old man?
I want to soothe myself saying it happened too fast for me to think it through and decide. That I was cheated by street scummers several times, seeing where it was going but still giving money, and then blaming myself later, when it became obvious I was fooled. It really hurts to understand my kindness was used against me.
No matter the excuse, I did nothing. You did nothing. And the man keeps singing.
If you ever feel like reaching out — whether you have something to share, or just want to talk — I’d be happy to hear from you, stranger. This isn’t about followers. It’s about finding kindness and similar minded people in a loud world.